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Chuck Norris Jokes


Chuck Norris was exposed to the Coronavirus ...

... The virus is now in quarantine for a month.


The flu ...

... gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.


Chuck Norris can start a fire ...

... with an ice cube.


Chuck Norris' cowboy boots ...

... are made from real cowboys.


Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself ...

... and win.


Freddy Krueger has nightmares ...

... about Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris' belly button ...

... is actually a power outlet.


Chuck Norris invented airplanes ...

... because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.


In an average living room there are a thousand objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you ...

... including the room itself.


Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris ...

... Santa Claus was real.


Chuck Norris doesn't need to shave ...

... His beard is scared to grow.


Chuck Norris can clap ...

... with one hand.


Chuck Norris doesn't breathe ...

... he holds air hostage.


Superman owns a pair ...

... of Chuck Norris undies.


Chuck Norris beat the sun ...

... in a staring contest.


Chuck Norris can cook minute rice ...

... in 30 seconds.


Chuck Norris can sneeze ...

... with his eyes open.


Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean ...

... He created too many tsunamis.


We live in an expanding universe ...

... All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant ...

... The steak did what it was told.


Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again ...

... One Grand Canyon is enough.


Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe ...

... We weren't before his first space expedition.


It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes ...

... to watch 60 Minutes.


When Chuck Norris does division ...

... there are no remainders.


When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor ...

... Never slap Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin ...

... Its descendants are now known as giraffes.


Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table ...

... because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.


The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris ...

... There were no survivors.


Chuck Norris can divide ...

... by zero.


Chuck Norris doesn't shower ...

... he only takes blood baths.


Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall ...

... in a game of tennis.


Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes ...

... Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all lethal.


Chuck Norris can get in a bucket ...

... and lift it up with himself in it.


The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out ...

... It didn’t work.


Chuck Norris spices up his steaks ...

... with pepper spray.


In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls ...

... but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris does not get frostbite ...

... Chuck Norris bites frost.


Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch ...

... He decides what time it is.


Chuck Norris is the reason ...

... why Waldo is hiding.


When Chuck Norris does a pushup ...

... he's pushing the Earth down.


Outer space exists ...

... because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.


There has never been a hurricane named Chuck ...

... because it would have destroyed everything.


Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close ...

... It now stands 15 feet behind him.


Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops ...

... between the eye.


The quickest way to a man's heart ...

... is with Chuck Norris' fist.


Chuck Norris can tie his shoes ...

... with his feet.


The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong ...

... was when he thought he had made a mistake.


When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on ...

... he turns the dark off.


When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters ...

... Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris once had a heart attack ...

... His heart lost.


Chuck Norris can drown ...

... a fish.


Chuck Norris once punched a man ...

... in the soul.


Chuck Norris can build a snowman ...

... out of rain.


Chuck Norris never retreats ...

... He just attacks in the opposite direction.


Chuck Norris can strangle you ...

... with a cordless phone.


When Chuck Norris writes ...

... he makes paper bleed.


Death ...

... once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.


Chuck Norris ...

... makes onions cry.


Chuck Norris can play the violin ...

... with a piano.


Chuck Norris can kill two stones ...

... with one bird.


The dark ...

... is afraid of Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure ...

... Chuck Norris goes killing.


Chuck Norris ...

... can slam revolving doors.


When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night ...

... he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


Champions ...

... are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four ...

... in three moves.


Once, a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg ...

... After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.


Chuck Norris stands faster ...

... than anyone can run.


Chuck Norris can do a wheelie ...

... on a unicycle.


Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground ...

... and kick butt at the same time.


Chuck Norris can speak ...

... Braille.


Chuck Norris counted to infinity ...

... twice.


Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd ...

... because no one fools Chuck Norris.


Some kids pee their name in the snow ...

... Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.


Chuck Norris does not use spell check ...

... If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.


Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger ...

... by yelling, “Bang!”


Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life ...

... Never.


If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies ...

... just check the extinct species list.


Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful ...

... it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.


Chuck Norris drinks napalm ...

... to fight his heartburn.


Chuck Norris can dribble ...

... a bowling ball.


On the 7th day, God rested ...

... Chuck Norris took over.


If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? ...

... Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage ...

... It’s now called Red Bull.


The chief export of Chuck Norris ...

... is pain.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard ...

... There is only another fist.


Chuck Norris does not sleep ...

... He waits.


Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave ...

... Because revenge is a dish best served cold.


Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born ...

... Roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.


Chuck Norris appeared in the 'Street Fighter II' video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick ...

... When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That's no glitch.”


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, 'Two seconds till' ...

... After you ask, 'Two seconds to what?' he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard ...

... That his foot broke the speed of light.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer ...

... Too bad he has never cried.


The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once ...

... You know what happened to them.


If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought ...

... They would both win.


Chuck Norris has a mug of nails ...

... Instead of coffee in the morning.


When God said, “Let there be light!” ...

... Chuck Norris said, “Say Please.”


In the Beginning there was nothing ...

... Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.


Chuck Norris breathes air ...

... Five times a day.


If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble ...

... You win... Forever.


Time waits for no man ...

... Unless that man is Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books...

... He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


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