Selected Theo Von Quotes
Theo Von- Theodor Capitani von Kurnatowski (born March 19, 1980) is an American stand-up comedian, podcaster, television personality, and actor.
He is the host of the "This Past Weekend" podcast and former co-host of "The King and the Sting" podcast.
Theo Von Quotes:
“New Jersey I’d say is one of the top 50 states.”
Theo Von, Funny
“There was a rumor in my town that I beat Down syndrome.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Your toes are like ten small little Floridas just hanging off your body.”
Theo Von, Funny
“You are an inmate who is not locked up if your eating ice cream with a fork.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Where I’m from, if you see two mentals huggin', you call the cops.”
Theo Von, Funny
“We are all like 11% gay.”
Theo Von, Funny
“They made hot dog buns so you don’t gotta put your lips on the wiener… My granddaddy taught me that.”
Theo Von, Funny
“The ferret, the limousine of rodents.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Talking with Jordan Peterson is like getting beat with a f*cking dictionary.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Stephanie I think her name was, or Jessica, which is basically the same name. Can we shut one of those names down?”
Theo Von, Funny
“Spring is when winter gets kind of lazy.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Sometimes I wish my balls were square so I could stack em.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Nobody's delivered more bad sex across America then your boy right here. I'll put that up against anyone.”
Theo Von, Funny
“My neighbour used to have a furcoat in the yard and dogs would come over and f*ck it.”
Theo Von, Funny
“My idea of heaven; no emails.”
Theo Von, Funny
“My favorite weed was um... cocaine.”
Theo Von, Funny
“My father was Nicaraguan. Where all my Nic-gars at?”
Theo Von, Funny
“My cousin got bit by a gay dude, so we'll see what happens.”
Theo Von, Funny
“My buddy got bit by a black widow. She was in her 40s.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Ladies, you don’t need no bra. Let the Lord hold your t*ts.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Kites are just birds without wings.”
Theo Von, Funny
“It’s like that feeling when you punch a defenceless baby you know? Or is it taking candy from a baby? I can’t remember.
But I think punching one would feel a lot better than taking a piece of candy from it. Just like, the feeling of doing it.
Especially if that baby were to grow up to be like Hitler or something… Maybe punching him as a baby is what made him do all those things.
See this is why I wouldn’t be a good time traveler man; or don't understand that movie The Terminator.”
Theo Von, Funny
“It makes you wanna kick a fat kid at K-Mart.”
Theo Von, Funny
“If you do whippets and you get a brain freeze and you're wearing sandals, you can end up time traveling.”
Theo Von, Funny
“If it can be killed by a frisbee, it's not a dog.”
Theo Von, Funny
“If God didn't want a women to cook he wouldn't have put milk and eggs in her body.”
Theo Von, Funny
“I’m sweatin' like a sneeze stuck in a thick b*tch.”
Theo Von, Funny
“I’m one day without vapin' and I wanna smoke a bowl of my own nut!”
Theo Von, Funny
“I sit face forward on a toilet with both my legs out in front of me like God intended.”
Theo Von, Funny
“I have a rare body type. I have the rib cage of a large cat and the heart of a lesbian.”
Theo Von, Funny
“I had to defecate and that’s actually French for sh*t.”
Theo Von, Funny
“I got the fingers of a pianist or somebody looking for something real small in a basket.”
Theo Von, Funny
“I gained 2 pounds of muscle mass looking at Jocko Willink's Instagram.”
Theo Von, Funny
“I feel like I would be a good stalker... F*ck yeah, I'd watch your whole damn family eat dinner, boy!”
Theo Von, Funny
“I didn’t really eat much today. I had uhh.. two orange halves. So an orange I guess.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Eat donuts. Get urgently cared for. Then go to heaven.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Crutches are just 'polio chopsticks'.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Camping is like being briefly Amish.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Bees are Satan's little German Shepherds.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Australian is British people that weren't doin good.”
Theo Von, Funny
“A reindeer is just a gay moose.”
Theo Von, Funny
“A PT Cruiser is like a hearse for midgets.”
Theo Von, Funny
A plate is just a spread out cup.”
Theo Von, Funny
“A hat is just like a tiny apartment for your head.”
Theo Von, Funny
“A bridge is just a road that’s brave as f*ck.”
Theo Von, Funny
“Life is a salad and the Lord is my vinaigrette.”
Theo Von, Life, Belief
“When I see somebody in a Prius, sure, you drive a Prius and you get good gas mileage, but you probably feel like you drive a Prius.”
Theo Von, Life
“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”
Theo Von, Life
“They're just jokes, people. They can't all be funny.”
Theo Von, Life
“Isn’t it nice that the sun doesn’t remember what you did yesterday? It just knows today's a new day.”
Theo Von, Life
“In Louisiana, you can drive when you're 15 – you could get your driving permit. I remember, during driver's ed, I fell asleep at the wheel one day. I was tired.
The guy shook me and switched and said he was getting into the driver's seat. I didn't fail, so I guess you can fall asleep occasionally. It's Louisiana.”
Theo Von, Life
“If you ain't first, you're last.”
Theo Von, Life
“As soon as I was tall enough, my dad used to let me drive him 60 miles or 70 miles to work. That was pretty fun.
My dad was really old. At the time, he was 82 years old. He said, 'Can you drive?' and I said 'Yes.' I guess I didn't find it to be that crazy.”
Theo Von, Life
“If I could have anything, I would probably get an old Ford F-150 from the '70s.”
Theo Von, Happiness
“I got booed off the stage one time. This was in a University in Florida. The students didn't know that I had to come back out 6 more times, because I was hosting the show. They just thought that I was a comedian opening the show.”
Theo Von, Art
“I didn't know all my friends were damn sex offenders, until Hollywood told me that they were.
Theo Von, Art
“Howie Mandel is my favorite. He's so friendly, and he's a family man. For a lot of celebrities, to keep a genuineness about them, I think, can be tough, but he really seems to work hard to do that.”
Theo Von, Art
“I just don't want to die alone, that's all. That's not too much to ask for, is it It would be nice to have someone care about me, for who I am, not about my wallet.”
Theo Von, Death, Love
“I don’t know. If I knew, I’d know, ya know?”
Theo Von, Intelligence/Wisdom
“You think the wind is trying to tell us something, but we don’t know how to hear it no more?”
Theo Von, Nature, Intelligence/Wisdom
“I could have been a dancer. I just never got my shot at it.”