Selected Quotes By George Carlin
"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"
George Carlin, Love
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
George Carlin, Belief
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
George Carlin, Belief
"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."
George Carlin, Belief
"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."
George Carlin, Belief
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam."
George Carlin, Belief
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
George Carlin, Government, Belief
"The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend."
George Carlin, Belief
"How can [God] be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies."
George Carlin, Belief
"He — and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly."
George Carlin, Belief
"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."
George Carlin, Belief
"Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."
George Carlin, Belief
"Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers."
George Carlin, Government
"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."
George Carlin, Belief
"Religion is just mind control."
George Carlin, Belief
"How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?"
George Carlin, Belief
"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so f**kin' heroic."
George Carlin, Life
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
George Carlin, Truth
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
George Carlin, Intelligence/Wisdom
"Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money."
George Carlin, Government
"You show me a lazy p***k who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to p**s, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."
George Carlin, Anger and Fighting
"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders."
George Carlin, Government
"Bipartisan' usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."
George Carlin, Government
"Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist."
George Carlin, Happiness
"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."
George Carlin, Ideas
"War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die."
George Carlin, Anger and Fighting
"How is it possible to have a civil war?"
George Carlin, Anger and Fighting
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?"
George Carlin, Freedom
"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently, I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."
George Carlin, Intelligence/Wisdom
"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."
George Carlin, Wealth
"Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me."
George Carlin, Government
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
George Carlin, Intelligence/Wisdom
"We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass."
George Carlin, Wealth
"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."
George Carlin, Government
"When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts."
George Carlin, Freedom
"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."
George Carlin, Wealth
"We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years."
George Carlin, Life
"Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."
George Carlin, Intelligence/Wisdom
"Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bulls**t they teach you in school."
George Carlin, Intelligence/Wisdom
"I don't have pet peeves. I have major psychotic f**king hatreds."
George Carlin, Kindness
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
George Carlin, Intelligence/Wisdom
"Think off-center."
George Carlin, Intelligence/Wisdom
"Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away."
George Carlin, Intelligence/Wisdom
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
George Carlin, Intelligence/Wisdom
"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."
George Carlin, Wealth
"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."
George Carlin, Anger and Fighting
"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."
George Carlin, Work
"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."
George Carlin, Work
"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."
George Carlin, Wealth
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
George Carlin, Work
"Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
George Carlin, Work
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
George Carlin, Love
"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."