Everytime I Look Behind

Part 1: My Big Problem

I am a realist. I do not believe in anything that exists beyond real life. I do not believe in ghosts, demons, fairies, elves, mermaids, martians and anything else inbetween. I am however a big anomaly. I write horror stories full of imaginary creatures from ghosts to martians and anything my imaginary mind can think of. I even laugh at myself sometimes.

Being a horror writer while not believing in the stories I write about is not at all extraordinary. There are many people who do it. I reasoned people want to be scared to make them escape the real scary things in life like the ever mounting debts, the real crimes that happen in life and many other things which makes life scary. I am a firm believer in this.

I live a normal life with a loving wife and kids. I live in a peaceful neighborhood with friendly neighbors. Often I would hear the birds chirping in the nearby tree while I am writing my stories. My wife would be nearby taking care of the kids but she never misses to take care of me always by occasionally fixing me coffee and some snacks.

However I have a big problem. Whenever I am left alone by myself I would always see scary monsters lurking in the corners of the room. They would be everywhere where I am alone. This is especially true in the dark and dimly lit places of the house. My house was big and old which makes my experience even scarier.

Part 2: What Are These Monsters?

I make it a practice to keep all the lights on in every room whenever I am alone. The light keeps the monsters very faint that I hardly have visions of them. There is however a set of scary eyes that follow me from behind all around the house even though the lights are on. However once I turn there would be no pair of eyes following me.

When I am about to sleep I can feel the monsters staring at me from a distance. I would close my eyes and try to sleep but I would eventually take a second look to see if they were really there. As usual there would be nothing there. Nevertheless I would still feel their presence that I hardly had a peaceful night’s sleep.

Who are these monsters? They were varied. They were mainly the pictures of the monsters I used to see in my childhood books. I was particularly fearful of an illustration I saw on an old book. It was a realistic drawing of a fox looking inside the window of a child. It was eagerly looking for a way to get inside the child’s room to eat it. The creepy looking eyes and the scary face of the fox always shows up whenever I peer in the windows at night.

I would watch television or surf the internet all night. Even the garden lights were lit so bright that there was no darkness everytime I have to look at the windows. My entire night would be spent behind my back to see if any of these monsters did eventually turn out to be real. My wife and children would see me the next day looking totally spent and in a bad mood.

I am thankful that my wife seldom leaves me alone. Being a successful horror writer has allowed me to stay at home to work and made my wife a stay at home mom. My writing has given us a stable life and this is thanks to the many monsters I invented from my head which made my books bestsellers.

Part 3: My Sickness?

The funny things is that the monsters I invented from my head never bothered me. The monsters that bothered me were the monsters from the books and movies I have read and seen. The real scary ones were the monsters from my childhood. I still shudder when I remember the black and white pictures of these monsters. The black color makes them more scary and real.

I never dared to tell my family of the scary experience I have everytime they leave me alone. I could already imagine it in their mind that they would just laugh and brush it off as a product of my imagination. I could also see them advising me to take a break from horror writing from time to time to refresh my mind. I feel foolish telling this to them.

This went on for years. When I had company the monsters would disappear. When I am alone especially at night the monsters would be behind my back. When the place was dark they would be all over the place. One creature was the notable exception. It was the pair of eyes that would stare at me from all places.

I decided to secretly consult a psychiatrist and she recommended that I take anti-psychotic medicines. She also recommended that I should take up a hobby to relax my mind. Her initial diagnosis was that I have “Teraphobia” or the fear of monsters. It was a phobia which is common in childhood but can persist even in adulthood.

She also theorized that I also have "Ommetaphobia". It is described as an extreme fear of eyes. This could be true as I feel that the people I meet seem to look at me intently with their eyes which sometimes can be very uncomfortable and even scary. There is also the issue of the scary pair of eyes that follow me everytime I am alone.

She advised me to tackle the problems head on and study the monsters I was seeing. This is to prove and persuade myself that these monsters are all fictional and just a product of my imagination. This I did. I researched about all monsters I was seeing when I am alone and found out that they were not scary at all once studied.

Part 4: The Return

Time passed by and I consider myself healed. Whenever I am alone in the house I still imagine there are creatures staring me in the back but they no longer bothered me. I can now even turn off the lights. The monsters were still there but they did not bother me. I sleep soundly most of the time.

Then one day I was all alone again and a movie was showing on television. It was a movie about a possessed doll. Though I did not want to watch it I did. I was trying to prove to myself that imaginary monsters do not bother me anymore. With discomfort I started to watch the movie.

Then a scene came when the camera zoomed in on the possessed doll. It was an old doll that looks very much like a human child. Its eyes were very human. Then I suddenly felt it was looking at me from the television set. The possessed doll seemed to be smirking at me as well from the television screen.

Then as if in a daze I darted my eyes away from the television. It was sunset and the evening darkness was starting to set in. I begin imagining the possessed doll was somewhere inside the house. I panicked. I stopped watching the movie and changed channels. I also turned on the lights even though the room was still not dark.

The horrors started happening again but much worse. The possessed doll was added to the monsters that was looking at me from my back. Then the my mind began showing me monsters from the new horror movies that were recently shown. It was horrible. At first the monsters were just looking at me from a distance.

Now they were slowly but surely coming closer and closer almost ready to touch me. I could no longer bear it and I told my family. They did the best that they could do to help me by almost being at my side all the time. It helped for a while. Although I still imagine the monsters the safety of seeing my wife beside me in bed even though she is sleeping comforted me.

Part 5: Living With Them

Years passed and again I got used to the monsters. To not make the situation any worse my family had a “No Horror” policy in the house. The family does not watch television that contained horrors. All dolls and anything with eyes have been removed from the house. Most importantly my family had to endure the bright lights at our house turned almost all the time.

My family even advised me to stop writing horror and instead try writing fantasy or science fiction instead. I said no. The only thing that makes me forget about the monsters besides me was my writing and to be specific horror writing. When I write my mind concentrated on the task which allowed me to forget the monsters from time to time.

Only my family and my psychiatrist knows about my situation and although they aided me the assistance of my family as well as the advice and medicines given to me by my psychiatrist never stopped me from seeing the monsters. They all concluded there was something wrong with my brain but they cannot help me much.

The situation changed for the worse when one day in broad daylight as me and my family where shopping I started to see the same monsters lurking in the corners of the mall as we walked around and shopped. They would appear randomly surprising me as I turned to look from one corner of the mall to another.

Now the monsters were a part of my daily life and not just in the night or in the darkness. They now are the first thing I see when I wake up or when I close my eyes to sleep at night. I even imagine them sleeping between me and my wife. The thought of them being near my wife especially terrifies me.

Part 6: Alone

I do not know what I would have done all these years without my wife and children. Whenever I start to see the monsters and pause to look at them my family would by now know what is happening and distract me from my monsters. They know when I suddenly stop and look at a blank space I was seeing a monster there.

My family did this as much as they can but everything comes to an end. All my children got married and left the house to start their own families. Soon my wife got sick due to old age. The monsters took a backseat as my mind focused on taking care of my wife. What irritated me was that I see the monsters standing beside my wife.

She eventually passed away and I was left all alone in the house. My children wanted me to live with them but I never could bear the thought of leaving the house that my parents left me and also the house were I raised my family. The house reminded me of my wife and all the memories we had together with the family.

The loneliness occupied my mind more than the monsters. I longed to see my wife all over again. I am old and the memories of my wife seems to be leaving my mind. I decided to write all that I can remember about her to remind me in case I start to lose my memories due to old age. I am almost a pensioner now.

Part 7: A Different Experience

I stopped writing horror stories and wrote about my wife and my children. It consumed me. I would write very early in the morning up to late at night all the things I can remember about my wife and children. Often I would miss out on eating meals and survived on water and coffee. I hardly slept. The monsters no longer mattered.

Then one night it happened. I was so sleep deprived and have forgotten to eat for many days that I passed out. When I woke up I saw my dead wife in front of me. She was smiling but did not talk just like the monsters that were beside her. The monsters for the first time seemed less scary than usual.

Then she disappeared but the monsters stayed. I began to read the stories about my wife and family which I wrote. My writings consoled me. I began to have a clearer picture of my past happy life together with my wife and family. I wrote some more and then some more. The house seems to be brighter in the night.

I was so tired that I fell asleep again. It was a long sleep. When I woke up my smiling wife was again there to greet me. The monsters were gone for the first time. I fixed myself some coffee and had a comfortable breakfast. The house feels empty without the monsters as if they were a part of the house. When I was finished eating breakfast again I devoted myself to writing about my wife and children.

Beginning that day I regularly saw my wife. Then days passed and I even started to see regular visions of my children and their families. I always chuckle when I see my imaginary grandkids playing in my house. As if the my family was back together again but this time together with my grandkids.

Part 8: The Monsters Changed

Then I got a call. It was my publisher. They were getting alarmed because I was not sending them my horror stories anymore. I froze. The thought of seeing the monsters again terrified me but what was I to do? Even though scared I started to write my new horror story draft. I looked around the house trying to see if I would see monsters again but I did not.

The first few paragraphs of my horror story was already complete when it happened. The monsters appeared! I was horrified and stopped writing. I cried and wished my wife and children were there to aid me. Then I happened to look at the story I was writing about my wife and children. I read it and slowly but surely visions of my wife and family began to show together with the monsters.

Suddenly the monsters seemed less darker than usual as if they started to look like mere toys. The happy vision of my wife smiling and playing with her children and grandkids overshadowed my fear of the monsters. Then suddenly the monsters changed appearance. Their eyes were no longer frightening but happy. Their mouths instead of becoming scary were smiling as well.

Part 9: In Good Company

This was what I did for now on. I still wrote horror stories but I also wrote about my wife and family. The good times we had together even the bad. I also began to write other stories but not about fantasy or science fiction. Instead I write about true stories of the people I know. The visions of these people also shows up in my house.

Recently I started writing about my parents. And I know you guessed it right by now that their vision also shows up in this empty house inhabited by myself alone. But the house is not empty even though it might be late at night. The house fills up with my family and extended family as well as my parents and of course the monsters.

The monsters now smile and I smile back. I even began writing stories about them. The more stories I write about them the more they disappear. I almost feel sorry that some of them have to permanently disappear. My visions are now filled by real people many alive and some who have passed away.

Some people close to me especially my own family always ask if I was lonely being alone by myself in the house most of the time. I just smile as I see my wife smiling besides me. Sometimes she even winks at me everytime people ask me this.